HMCC’s 2010 Undergraduate Retreat was this past weekend (10/15-10/17). I actually attended it even though I am not quite an undergrad anymore. It felt a little odd. Not to mention, introducing myself at group gatherings was a bit awkward: “I, uh, just recently graduated from Northwestern and am now a first year grad student.” The usual replies are widened eyes and/or “Ohhh”s especially if they then ask for the major/field (or I tack on) “in BME.”
On another note, the retreat itself was an extremely much-needed break and time away from the worries of this world. As exhibited by the previous entry, my mind’s been so tired from being stretched all over the place with the “things I should be doing” – so much that I literally went there with a completely blank list of expectations. Thankfully, I returned with a box (or, perhaps, I should say brain) stuffed full of realizations and convictions.
I didn’t learn anything new, per say, but I definitely received a wave of reminders that hit thankfully terribly close to home. (That sounds rather contradictory – “thankfully terribly” – but… what can I say: I enjoy contradictions; they generally make life/musings more interesting.)
With the theme being “Follow Me,” the sessions were jam-packed full of messages about what/who we were living for and how we were to do it: Live for Jesus wholeheartedly, committedly (I probably just made that word up), fearlessly, faithfully. PSeth’s talk on Saturday night was especially powerful for me as he hammered out “The One Thing: We must demonstrate our commitment to follow Christ by our obedience” [emphasis added]. (It actually somewhat reminded me of a similar message that PJimmy shared through the 4ever ACCESS series (of which the overall theme is “to follow Jesus means to trust in Him”) a few weeks earlier: surrendering our “idols” (things that we love too much, i.e. grades, relationships, future, acknowledgement/praise from parents/others, etc.) as we learn to trust in Jesus.)
Commitment is demonstrated through obedience, but obedience requires surrender. And then, if one wishes to make it even more entwined: obedience is developed through faith, which is carried out through obedience. Unfortunately, I’ve been trying to carry out my commitment (to devote this year to serving in the church) without true obedience or surrender. Over the past few months, I’ve been constantly ambushed by people and companies about job searching as the post-grad future looms all the nearer, as I observe those who are working (brother, friends, parents, even professors). In the process, my heart’s grown increasingly stubborn/doubtful towards God – not because of anything He’s done or not done, but rather because I’m worrying so much. In doing so, I’ve unconsciously tried to yank the GPS from God’s hand, type in some random destination, and wander off in my own direction. No wonder I’ve slipped into quite the unhappy, confused state.
I’m reminded of the passage about faith and deeds [James 2:14-26], especially the beginning,
What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. – James 2:14-17.
[Sidetrack: I actually like PJimmy's silly example about faith as well: you see a chair which claims that that it can support you; you can examine it, poke it, knock at it, etc.; but it's not until you actually plop down on that chair that you demonstrate faith in that poor chair. Or, perhaps, in another more extreme case: you lose your balance on the edge of a cliff and off you go, tumbling down the cliff; you see a twig sticking out; you can look at it, (perhaps nerdily but hopefully speedily) calculate and contemplate whether it can hold your weight; but it's not until you reach out to grab the branch that you've exercised faith and trust that the branch will hold you; and, in this case, save you from imminent doom/death.]
Although I’ve maintained that I know (and even assured/encouraged others) to trust that God has plans for each and every one of us and that God will provide/work in His own timing, the majority of that “head knowledge” has remained … well, head knowledge. It worked for awhile and wasn’t much of a headache since my immediate/near future was still set in stone until graduation – first with a BS in June, and then with an MS in December. But now, being a mere 2 months away from the second landmark and having taken up the commitment to serve as a (co-)leader in HMCC until at least next June, I am faced quite literally with the conviction and challenge to transform that head knowledge faith into action by, as mentioned earlier, obedience. And it starts with surrendering my future plans to Him.
It’s interesting to see that all the keywords/key ideas (commitment, obedience, surrender, faith) in my pre-retreat post were hit upon during retreat. Coincidence? I think not.
And by interesting, I meant unsettlingly amazing and powerful. Even as I struggled and prayed about it on Saturday night, I could already feel God slowly healing the pain and confusion I’ve been experiencing these past two months.
Time to hand the GPS unit back to God. Time to follow Him.
